Prikkels
I’ve been pretty overprikkeld lately. I think the English term would be: I am experiencing sensory overload. When it comes to the word overprikkeld, I prefer the Dutch sense of pragmatism and simplicity over the English verbosity.
My hypothesis is that it’s a combination of:
- the intense COVID fatigue that I experienced;
- being way too sensitive to other people’s energies;
- work stress;
- lack of exercise (also due to COVID fatigue);
- not following my lactose-free diet (stomach and mind are related);
- and having been born with a hyperactive mind.
Needless to say, I’m a sensitive person. I wake up the day with prikkels and end the day with prikkels (in English, sensory overload).
Calm the mind…not
To counteract or minimise the prikkels, I try to start each morning in a relaxed way— with a cup of tea or coffee, the New Yorker, and some kitty cuddles. But every morning, my hand unconsciously slides over to my phone and picks it up. 30-minutes pass. Only then do I realise that my mind is now on high-alert and I can’t stop obsessively looking for this one terracotta-coloured pillow for our couch to complete the look. We need this pillow!
On repeat
Well, the same thing happened this morning, but with a flight search to Florida for end-January.
Unfortunately I couldn’t find a flight for two people under EUR 1200. And instead of putting down the computer and letting it sit, I searched every possible combination from January up through March.
Everything still led to EUR 1200. It’s not a terrible price. And what’s an amount when you get to see family? Shouldn’t that be priceless?
One question leads to another
While I stopped looking at flights, my over-active mind took a time machine to the future. Wondering how much I will have to spend each year to continue visiting my family, whether prices will increase, or if I will even get to visit them every year?
Behind the prikkels
A month ago, I received my Dutch citizenship. I consider myself a person of two countries — America and the Netherlands. But with prices escalating and if I’m not able to visit as often, am I still an American? When do I stop becoming an American?
The deeper question that I’m afraid to ask is: Can I afford to not visit every year as my family continues to grow older?
Am I okay with going two years without seeing my 72-year-old father? No. But am I okay with spending all of our vacation budget on only going to Florida to visit family (which isn’t always relaxing)? No.
So what to do? This is where my mind goes.
Maybe I’m obsessively searching on my phone to find a solution because I’m running from the deeper questions and more importantly, the answers that arise from them.
I’m scared of my parents getting older. I’m scared of getting older. I’m scared life is too short.
But when life is too short, what is the line between living for them and living for me?
Perhaps the prikkels are just me running away from truths that I’m not ready to know or accept.
